Tag: dad thoughts

Dad Thoughts #12

Stop me if you’ve heard this one…

Two introverts decide to have a child. It’s exhausting and confusing and has a steep learning curve but eventually the child learns to sleep through the night and goes to daycare and stops being a constant drain on their emotional resources.

So what do they do?

Decide to have a second one, of course.

Two kids hits different. Two kids in the middle of a global pandemic hits very different, and hard.

But even without a hugely transmissible and deadly virus running amok, having two children, two boys, was a whole different level of tiring and hard that I just wasn’t expecting.

It doesn’t help that, even at 14 months, Milo is still not sleeping through the night. He will invariably wake up at least once, but more likely twice during the course of the night. We’ve tried letting him “cry it out”, but the problem with that is that he shares a room with Thomas, who very much does not enjoy having a screaming (and I mean screaming) toddler disturb his sleep.

So this means, ultimately one or the other of them ends up spending the night in our bed. Which means that neither myself or Megan have had a decent nights sleep in months.

(That’s not entirely true; there’s been a few nights where we’ve been able to fob off one or both of the boys to their grandparents. Last night was one such evening and it was the most undisturbed and fulfilling sleeps I’ve had since Milo was born.)

Couple this with Megan having to be home with Milo all the time (due to pandemic), and it’s been rough.

Thankfully we started Milo at daycare this September, which has been some relief during the day (for Megan, mostly. I just bugger off to work most days and that’s my reprieve)

Unfortunately, daycare brings its own trials and tribulations, namely an almost constant rotation of illness. Milo has had four ear infections in less than 6 months; not to mention the usual coughs and sniffles that toddlers seem to accrue by virtue of being Very Bad at hygiene. Which means the rest of us have been sick in one fashion or another since September also. I’m pretty sure I’ve had RSV at least twice this fall.

So combine lack of sleep, constant sickness and just general anxiety about, y’know… *gestures vaguely at everything* and, well..:

Some days I feel like there’s barely enough of me left to pull together and function. I’m getting behind on chores; the house is a disaster. I’m pretty sure our house could qualify for FEMA assistance at this point.

And forget about being creative. Even writing Haiku right now feels like too much, let alone trying to write a story or do art. Hence my lack of blog updates this past two or three months. (Did anyone notice? Answers on a post-card.)

It’s not exactly making me a great parent either. I feel like I’m constantly losing my rag at Thomas. Ironically, Milo is much more agreeable most days. He’s at that stage where he can’t quite talk, but he can communicate, and say a few key words, and he can understand simple directions, so will happily do something if you ask him to. He loves to dance to music and he loves to watch Sesame Street. He loves getting to go outside. And he’s finally getting into books, even if it’s the same ones over and over (and over and over…)

And him and Thomas get along for the most part, although there’s usually competition when it comes to snuggles with Mum.

(And, of course, Megan has it far tougher than I do. At least I can get away most days.)

I just need the dang kid to sleep through the night. All I want for Christmas is uninterrupted sleep! My Kingdom for undisturbed slumber!!

I love my boys. I do.

But hot damn am I struggling with being a Dad right now.

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Dad Thoughts #11

Isn’t it crazy that anyone can be a parent? Like, you don’t have to take a test or pass a screening or nothing. You just pop out a kid and boom: you’re a parent.

“Ah,” you say, “just because you conceived a child, doesn’t make you a Parent.”

Bullshit, yes it does. Doesn’t make you a good parent, or even an active one, but if you spawn offspring, you are the literal definition of a parent.

And anyone can do this. They just let you. Nobody checks to see if you’re able. They don’t have mandatory classes on raising children. You’re just expected to figure it out.

(Side note: yes, if you are particularly bad at it, eventually social services will catch up to you, but an ounce of prevention is better than a pound of cure, y’know?)

Like: I don’t have any formal psychology training. I have invested practically no time in social development studies. And yet I’m expected to raise my kids to be healthy, well-adjusted members of society?

I don’t care for a whole manner of “adult” things. I have a sweet-tooth. I prefer to read comics and watch animation. I still fantasize about having super-powers, or a cool robot suit. I still don’t really understand taxes or the figurative minefield that is the American Health Care “system”. I’m still really, really bad at confrontation and conflict. But sure, I’ll just go ahead and be responsible for this new human’s life and everything they will be.

Isn’t that nuts?

I get the basics. Keep them warm, fed, safe. But I also gotta figure out why my youngest child won’t sleep through the night? I gotta unravel the inner mysteries of my eldest child’s psyche to determine why he won’t talk when he’s upset? I gotta physically wrestle my son out of the house when he doesn’t want to go to daycare? Who would sign up for this?

And, on top of all that, I gotta worry about the world they’re gonna grow up in? I gotta worry about racism, drug-use, mass-shootings, global warming, the economy, and more besides? Torn between which is worse, that there won’t be a world by the time they grow up, or that they might not even live that long?

(Worst case scenario, I know, but something I would never have even considered pre-child)

And they just let anyone do this. Regardless of how ready or suited to the task you may or may not be.

It boggles my mind.

My only consolation, if you can call it that, is that I chose this. Some folk don’t get that privilege, either thrust into parenthood unwillingly, or unable to become parents at all.

I am blessed to have two healthy boys, as trying as they can be. And I know raising them is going to be a wild adventure that will one day end, and I’ll look back and wonder where the time went.

But man. How on earth has humanity thrived for so long when we’re all just making it up along the way?

(That’s a rhetorical question, by the way.)

A trillion thank-yous to my partner and co-parent, Megan. I sure as hell couldn’t do this without you.

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Dad Thoughts #10: Don’t Know

Thomas has started this somewhat annoying trend of wanting to know what to do at all times of the day. He’s always been schedule-orientated, but now he demands to be occupied. The problem arises when he doesn’t want to do any of the things we suggest.

Several times during the day he’ll grow bored of whatever toy he is playing with and wander over and ask “what should I do now?”

And we’ll tell him, most times. “You should do this,”, “why not do this?”, “we’re about to do this,”

And invariably it is not what he wants to do.

So of course, we’ll ask, “well, what do you want to do?”

To which he will invariably reply “I don’t know.”

We’ve been trying to keep him engaged at home, since it’s coming up to a year we’ve kept him home from day care. We’ve invested in activity subscription boxes, art projects and so on. Usually he’s satisfied with these when they’re new; once the novelty wears off he’s back to pestering us.

This always ends up one of two ways:

-we give in and let him watch tv or play on the iPad, which are about the only things that hold his attention for more than 20 minutes.

– or we lose our patience with him and tell him to go figure something out by himself. He has loads of toys and books and things, but he wants novelty.

Or, more likely, he wants us to pay attention to him. This is difficult, especially when I’m at work all day, and Megan is working at home whilst also trying to tend to our 5 month old, as well as keep Thomas entertained.

It would be great if Thomas could just entertain himself, allowing us to get on with work and chores and stuff. There is a school of thought that suggests people need to learn how to be bored, because being bored is often where creativity thrives. I know Thomas is capable of being creative; watching him when he is actively engaged in playtime is an interesting window into how his mind is starting to grasp different concepts.

But of course, he is three and a half, and isn’t really emotionally equipped to be “bored” yet. Plus he is probably feeling a little neglected since Milo takes up a large chunk of our attention that used to be devoted exclusively to him.

Hopefully soon we can re-enter him into daycare, where he can socialize with peers of his age and regain structured play and work time. I think it will do him (and us!) wonders.

What has been both funny and perplexing is his refusal to take “I don’t know” as an answer. He’ll ask what to do or inquire as to the whereabouts of one of his toys or stuffed animals, and when we tell him we don’t know he’ll say “No, I don’t know!”

We, of course, try to tell him that we don’t know either and he insists that “only one person can not know!”

Oh. Oh Buddy. My poor sweet child. Just wait until you truly grasp just how many people “don’t know” much of anything. How your world will flip when you realize how many of us are just making it up as we go.

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